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A Covert Narcissist's Wife

Narcissistic Abuse, Complex PTSD = Dead Woman Walking, Talking and Writing.

LET’S GO TO FLORIDA, HE SAID.

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WE’RE GOING TO FLORIDA
WE’RE GOING TO FLORIDA
and you’re not-ot
neener, neener, neener!!!

My thoughts are racing, I’m seeing it now. I can feel the sand between my toes, smell the ocean, hear the sound of the waves crashing gently on the beach and oh, those funny little birds that run back and forth with the rhythm of the waves, how cute are they???

I’m doing a mental inventory of what to pack. I’ll have to buy a few things, but I can be ready in a New York minute if I need to.

When, do we leave, when, when, when do we leave?

MY VISION OF OUR TRIP TO THE FLORIDA KEYS:

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I can’t KEEP CALM, we’re going to Florida!

Oh boy, a vacation to the Florida Keys! I haven’t been there since I was a kid…

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We can have so much fun…

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I can hardly wait…

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We can spend some much needed quality time together…

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Relaxing…

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Maybe even…

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How romantic…

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Yep, in my mind we were already there, that is, until you said those words. I wasn’t even sure that I had heard you correctly, I must have misunderstood.

Did you say that you can take your bike and then you can ride your bike from the Florida Keys all the way back to Miami while I follow behind you in the car?

Nawww, you didn’t say that did you? You did say that? You are kidding, right? You’re not kidding? You offered to take me to the Florida Keys, a vacation, a romantic getaway for us both, right? Not right? Okay, processing data, just give me a moment, I think that my server is slow…..

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No, really, I’m confused. Help me to understand your offer of a trip to Florida, because I was thinking that we would be together, having fun, doing the kind of things that couples do when on vacation in Florida.

Uh oh, I can tell by that pulsating vein in your neck that you were serious about the bike thing, sooo……….how about NO!

I am inclined to laugh at the absurdity of your vision of a trip to Florida with me, your wife who doesn’t bike, at all, whatsoever. I will refrain from laughter due to the fact that your pulsating vein is saying, “hey girl, HERE’S YOUR SIGN, don’t poke the bear, or laugh at the bear, or question the bear, and so on.”

I’m fortunate that you can’t see the thought bubbles over my head, so many bubbles…

MY VISION HAS MORPHED INTO SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT, SOMETHING ALMOST COMICAL, INSTEAD OF MY PREVIOUS VISION OF SAND, WAVES AND CUTE LITTLE BIRDS.

MY NEW VISION, ACTUALLY YOUR VISION, OF DRIVING BEHIND YOU AND “PRECIOUS” ALL THE WAY TO MIAMI:

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Great, just freakin’ great, we’re going to Florida, not for our togetherness but for his togetherness with his precious bike. Don’t they make a cute couple? I was jealous of his relationship with his bicycle long before I realized that Precious the bicycle wasn’t what I needed to be concerned about, she was the least of my worries.

So, my Florida vacation will go something like this, I drive a car from the Florida Keys all the way to Miami, behind a bicycle, looking at the backside of a man and his bike, going at his pace, droplets of sweat hitting the windshield, alone and angry thinking about what could have been. Yippee! I can hardly wait.
My eyes will be crossed after looking at nothing but backside and road, backside and road, oh, and then there’s some sweat droplets hitting the windshield so, wipers on, wipers off, wipers on, wipers off, oh sweet mother of…..kill me now, please, just kill me now.

You must really trust me to do the right thing like not hit you and your precious bicycle when there will be so many opportunities to take you and “precious” out, and by out, I don’t mean out to dinner.

What if we compromise? Now YOU don’t understand? Let me explain with pictures for you by using the KISS system – keep it simple (for you) stupid.

I would need to be entertained, how about you provide a view for my entertainment, such as…

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Or maybe this…

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Or this…

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I could at least laugh all the way back to Miami if you would humor me with any of these three scenarios, how’s that sound Mr. Bicycle Man, that sound like a plan?

I’ll even buy you a shirt. How about this one? It’s very bright, easy for MOST drivers to see. Safety first my precious narcissistic, self serving sack of sh, I mean sweetness. We wouldn’t want a careless, maybe fatigued or perhaps even very angry driver to not see you and your precious bicycle, now would we?

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I mean, accidents DO happen, don’t they? Accidents, that’s right, they do happen.

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Speaking of accidents, the life insurance policy is paid up, it’s current, right? Wouldn’t that be a bummer, no life insurance with an exciting but risky, some might say dangerous trip via bicycle on dangerous roads and highways traveled by speeding vehicles driven by all kinds of people. Some might not even like sharing the road with a jack ass, I mean a proficient cyclist, no matter what the laws regarding the sharing of the roads with bicycles are in the state of Florida. There’s all kinds of crazies out there. You just might be in danger if you don’t take the proper precautions. Heck, you might be even if you do take the proper precautions, uh huh.

This has been fun, reliving the Florida vacation that never was, kind of.

AND NOW FOR MY VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT…

There are so many times that due to my husband’s quirky personality (Narcissistic Personality Disorder of the Covert Somatic kind) that I have been confused, hurt, angry and so much more. I spent years of my life with him trying to understand why, why do I feel so bad, unhappy, sick and tired, etc.?

He would always assure me that it was my fault, I was an unhappy person by nature, I was impossible to live with, I was crazy, imagining things because nothing was his fault. He was a great husband and I was lucky to have him, especially considering that I was a horrible wife, someone who could never be pleased, probably needed to be medicated and see a “talking doctor.” That’s right, he calls mental health professionals “talking doctors,” oh, sweet mother of….oops, I digress.

I then discovered Google, beautiful, wonderful Google. You are my friend and fellow explorer of all things narcissistic and dysfunctional. Meeting you has sure put a new spin on things, not a pretty spin, but a new informative and disturbing one.

I became a googling fool, an expert of sorts on all things that I could Google. I eventually googled “man without empathy,” (I won’t go into detail as to why, at least not right now) and EUREKA! I struck the mother lode of information about NPD. What a relief, there it was, my husband’s quirky personality, followed by a huge OH, NO, SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Yep, it wasn’t me, not my fault, he is a freaky and cruel Narcissist. That was the relief part of my Google discovery.

The OH, NO, SAY IT AIN’T SO part was when I read that NPD can’t be cured. It’s a disorder not a disease. It’s who and what they are, permanent and ingrained. These creatures can’t even be treated due to the fact that they believe that they are just fine, perfect in every way, amazing and special, well, you get the inflated EGO picture. NPD is known as the disorder that makes those closest to the Narcissist sick, depressed, unhappy and usually seeking treatment from a “talking doctor” just to survive the nightmare of living with a Narcissist.

It’s a life changer, living with a Narcissist, especially a covert Narcissist. Whether you put name on it or not the experience alone will change you forever.

I eventually came to realize that the term Narcissistic Sociopath is a more complete description of the personality traits of the man I married. My sister had told me that she thought that he was a Sociopath, but I was in denial. NPD was already too much for me to process in the beginning stages of my quest for knowledge. Had I realized that the term Sociopath should have been included I’m not sure that I could have slept at night, or eaten, or ever taken a shower again without an armed guard outside of the bathroom door. I saw the movie Psycho as a child, not appropriate of course, and it has left a lasting impression on me, as well as a slight shower phobia, you know, that sound effect during the slashing, the shower curtain and the drain, stop, make me stop, I need to envision Julie Andrews in a field of flowers in Austria, twirling, smiling and singing. That’s better, so much better.

I have now experienced enough unpleasantness to know that there is a difference, and it’s a very disturbing difference between NPD and Narcissistic Sociopath. I still use the term Narcissist without including Sociopath because it’s easier to explain and its easier to accept, even for me, so Narcissist is my preferred terminology.

To the outside world, their friends, acquaintances, coworkers and anyone who doesn’t live with them they are amazing, charming, charismatic, loved and admired by all. My husband has what I refer to as a fan club. They think the world of him, but they haven’t seen what is behind the mask. It’s pure darkness, nothing good, absolutely nothing. It’s very frightening when the mask is off behind closed doors. The only word that can describe the darkness is evil. I’m not exaggerating or being melodramatic, I am describing what exists when the mask comes off.

Alright, enough about the darkness. It’s time to medicate with humor, it’s what I do. I’d probably drink but alcohol makes me stupid and then it makes me vomit, I mean it makes me very sick. Sorry, too much information for most people, so sick it is.

I had a few thought bubbles (pictures & cartoons) left over so why not end with some of those, just for the fun of it.

I need to laugh since I don’t want to get stupid and sick. Enjoy a laugh at the narcissistic cyclist’s expense, I know that I will, so here you go!

THE FOLLOWING PRESENTATION IS A COLLECTION OF MY UNUSED BUT ENTERTAINING (MY PERSONAL OPINION) POTENTIAL VISIONS & THOUGHT BUBBLES OF THE VACATION THAT NEVER WAS.

 

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Hello Precious, how YOU doin? Oh, sorry to hear that, an accident you say…
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Mr. Cavalier Man, still living dangerously I see.

THE VACATION THAT NEVER WAS ♡
It was so much fun reliving all of those fun and romantic things that we did, in my head! Thanks for the memories of what a vacation to Florida could have been if not for that quirky personality disorder.

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Featured post

Posts to my page today, about toxic people.

This is a very informative article from the following WordPress site:

HEALING FROM COMPLEX TRAUMA & PTSD/CPTSD

This was shared, due to some inappropriate comments to the page. I have no time or energy for baiters, manipulations, liars and abusers. It would be helpful for people viewing this page….. to…

Source: Posts to my page today, about toxic people.

DEAR NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND,

 

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That certainly explains a few things.

For example, remember that time that you were using our family computer for cheating websites and porn? I do.

Do you remember your response when I told you that I had found your cheating profiles and your apparent preference for virtual women and the unique kind of entertainment they provide instead of me, your wife? I do.

After I told you that I had found your extramarital activities, in my own home no less (desktop in our family room), you looked at me with that angry red face of yours and in all sincerity said, “stay off the Internet.”

That was not what I was expecting. I was expecting something like, I’m so sorry, that was wrong of me and I will never do it again.

Funny freaky Narcissists, can’t live with them.

I know, that’s an awkward sentence above. It sounds unfinished but it’s not. I said exactly what I meant.

Serial adultery, pornography, one night stands, hookups, affairs, all very exciting for you. Unfortunately for me, the word devastating comes to mind. Oh, and nauseating, that word too.

Mr. Cavalier man, no remorse, just anger that the wife had discovered your secret life. You weren’t even ashamed or embarrassed. What’s up with that?

Our family computer history should have been rated XXX! I saw things that to this day I can’t get out of my head. I had no idea what was available via the Internet.

I’m sorry, I suddenly feel sick, gotta go.

P.S. I will always miss the original misconception that I had of you, the man I thought I married.

 

Noooooo.......
Don’t do it, I’m begging you.

 

What is Narcisstic Abuse?

My life passion is working with people to help free themselves from the grips of narcissistic abuse. Through my own life experience, I realized that narcissistic abuse is a form of abuse that many …

Source: What is Narcisstic Abuse?

A LETTER TO MY FAMILY …..(due to self imposed isolation I have no friends)

COMPLEX PTSD is my constant companion. We know each other well. We are not friends, I have no friends, thanks to YOU, C-PTSD!

I wish that you would go away C-PTSD. I’ve grown tired of carrying you around everywhere I go. You are extremely heavy and I am not as strong as I once was. Even at my strongest the weight of you would have been overwhelming, too much to carry day in and day out. I’m weaker than I have ever been but I am forced to live every day catering to your every whim, and there are many. You even steal my sleep. You are the most demanding companion I have ever had.

You have caused nothing but chaos and darkness, a life draining level of fatigue that can not be described. You have created an atmosphere of fear. Yes, I am afraid of you. I am afraid of what you will do when we go out in public. You’re an embarrassment to me and to others around us when you decide to perform one of your nasty little tricks. Don’t you dare try to deny it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your bag full of triggers that cause my heart to beat faster, my eyes to tear up and to dart around to see if anyone is looking at us, and the cold sweats, I hate those. Everyone can see me in a state of panic and I’m sure that you are amused by your total control over my body and mind. You are omnipotent, a puppet master and I am your puppet to play with and to embarrass by causing me to behave like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Again, don’t deny it! I have had to to talk to myself, out loud no less, just to finish getting my groceries when what I really want to do is cover my face and hope that nobody recognizes me as I run as fast as I can out of the store, groceries be damned!

You have infested every aspect of my life, you are a parasite. You can’t even be explained to others without my explanation of the truth of who and what you are sounding like an exaggeration, attention seeking drama, or maybe even the words of a lunatic. I’ve tried, it hasn’t gone as planned, also your fault.

I know, I’m blaming you for everything negative in my life, but you know what? You deserve the blame because you took over my thoughts and actions, you are now living my life and I have disappeared. I no longer exist without you.

You suck C-PTSD, you simply suck!

 

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The Aftershocks Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

……..Thank you for sharing this great example of the damage caused by a relationship with a Narcissist.

Sincerely,

A Covert Narcissist’s Wife……..

 

“I think  I should be better by now, that’s the problem.” I looked up at my therapist, the one I reluctantly finally made an appointment to see and shrugged…”I mean it’s been nearly two years.” &nb…

Source: The Aftershocks Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

The Punishing Sexuality of the Narcissist

SITE FOR CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

230px-Martin_van_Maele_-_La_Comtesse_au_fouet_01 Foot Fetish Courtesy of Wikipedia

The narcissist is threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs and believes they are out to trap them and suck them dry.  This is the narcissist’s classic projection of their true inner self.  Because of this projection he or she tortures and abuses.  They can be ruthless in their pursuit of prey and create misery in their wake. To calm irrational fears they pathologize intimate others to maintain power and control.  They are constitutionally incapable of feeling empathy or remorse for their actions.

Most narcissists prefer pornography and masturbation to emotionally attached, mature, adult sex.  Some are into sadomasochistic sexual relationships; some use pornography to become aroused; others become addicted to it.  The psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the sadistic narcissist.  Witnessing his or her pain is what the sadist finds arousing.  Their sexuality is not a connected and…

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Common Misconceptions

She Called It "Mount Cope"

misconception

“A common misconception is that emotional abuse has to take the form of a partner yelling over every little thing, belittling or constantly criticizing a partner. Other forms of emotional abuse, can however, be just as damaging, and far less overt. They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgemental, “joking” insults, lying, repeatedly “forgetting” promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, “setting you up”, and “revising” history.

To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are actually BOTH. It is the disparity between the one they love and the one that harms them that keeps the woman confused. He may intersperse episodes of abuse with words of love, telling her that she is “the best thing that has ever happened” to him, and that he wants to start…

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This Is Your Brain on a Breakup | Psychology Today

Truth! Withdrawal is painful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

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