Unless you have been there, that dark place of Narcissistic abuse, it’s hard to understand.
“Why do you stay?” This question makes the victim of Narcissistic abuse uncomfortable, to say the least. Personally, I find it offensive. I feel that it’s thoughtless, sometimes cruel and judgmental, ugly words disguised as concern. The end result for the victim of Narcissistic abuse if asked this question is quite naturally a feeling of shame.
Why does anyone stay in a marriage? They stay because it is their life, it’s a commitment that they made, and they are in love.
I’m sure that from the outside looking in it’s easy to pass judgment, after all, the relationship is obviously dysfunctional. What the person on the outside sees is an unhealthy relationship. The victim sees a future without the Narcissist as terrifying, and quite hopeless. The Narcissist has chipped away at the self-esteem of their victim until the victim no longer trusts themselves to make decisions, be independent or happy without the Narcissist. Their love has morphed into dependency. They feel powerless to make a decision, especially a decision that would lead to a life without the Narcissist because they no longer know who they are, their sense of identity has been stripped away.
They are now unlovable, they believe that they are helpless. They have been brainwashed and believe that without the Narcissist they cannot survive.
February 13, 2016 at 8:12 pm
That’s true, it’s really hard, especially when they use so many controlling tactics to stop you leaving. I remember feeling like there was a maze inside my head and almost every path was cropped off because I knew what he would say if I took it / I knew what he would do.
Leaving, you remain scarred but you can begin a journey of healing.
I’m still so glad I finally found the courage, and the support I needed from others to leave.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I wish you all the joy and healing you can possibly get ❤
February 14, 2016 at 12:37 am
Thank you Samantha. You’re right, it’s all about control.
May 15, 2016 at 9:40 pm
I lived it 30 yrs- I couldn’t even imagine being that way, being an RN /Homeschooling mom of 3 sons, now grown. I suffer from certain triggers and have learned to replace them with grateful thoughts, so blessed am so to be out of it for 8 yrs now, but one trigger can send me back into the middle of one of his horrendous dramas! Like he’s a movie star in a sick scify movie-main ACTOR, yup, no emotional bond, never really was. He would change to fit in each social situation, Best actor I’ve ever seen, makes me want to vomit just talking about him now, but It is so comforting knowing others share in the same sickness -so many are scarred by these srlf-centered BEASTS! I am healing emotionally little by little, my 3 dons,are now grown, they are slowly coming out of the “fog” he put them through, i teach them as I learn more, i know they are listening, even though the minimize it (shame is a killer) what child wants to accept tgeirbpstent is a BARC, AMALIGNANT INTENTIONALLY CRUEL NARC? I know so wouldnt. So I pray for them and myself for grace and awakening. I am too hard on myself-presently in a “funk”, got to clean and organize my bedroom, but Im on the sofa reading this-and it’s ok!! Tomorrow is another day. Be kind to myself. Tomorrow 5/16 I graduate A.S. degree- Human Services-Addiction Specialization!! It was my survivor and discovery degree…MY specialty eill be NARC ABUSE-Codependent love addiction, people pleasing…I am a living testimony and hopecto aeaken and help another. Bless you all, keep strong, NEVER give up! You are so worth it♡☆♡